PSG
by Goatcheese
Summary: The Pointy Stick Guys are causing problems. UPDATED!
1. Beckett gets skewered

Title: PSG  
Author: Goatcheese  
Rating: K+  
Warnings: bit of blood, the usual  
Characters: Beckett, Sheppard, McKay, Teyla, Ford.  
Spoilers: None  
Summary: Poor Beckett gets skewered.  
Disclaimer: Stargate and all that is conected with it does not belong to me. Please don't sue. I'm poor.  
Acknowledgements: Thanks to TJ for yelling at me to write more and then correcting the mistakes. You're the best.

**PSG**

Why doesn't anyone ever listen? They were told not to touch the sacred flower. Guess what happened? Exactly! They touched it. More specifically, McKay touched it. For a genius, the man can be a complete idiot. Now look what you did. The main team on Atlantis, which includes the ever-present leadership of Maj. John Sheppard, the 'other' military presence of Lt. Ford, one snarky scientist in the form of Rodney McKay, and the native to the Pegasus Galaxy, Teyla, who are now running at top speed trying not to get killed by the natives in loin clothes. Idiots.

Oh look. One of them has a brain. Surprise, surprise, it's the trained military officer. I wonder how they are going to get out of this one. There are very angry villagers with very pointy spears chasing after the mighty Atlantis team. Why don't they just blast the little buggers? Ah yes, they have no guns. I'll explain how that came about later. The aforementioned team of intrepid explorers is hiding in the bushes. Not the smartest plan, but it'll do. Seems like they are trying to double back to retrieve the lost doctor. I can't believe they left him there. I'd be pissed.

What was that? I didn't mention the doctor before? Sorry about that, I get confused at times. Anyway, at the moment he is laying in an empty field on the outskirts of the village. The team saw him go down, but they couldn't stop. They were afraid of being skewed on those nifty pointy sticks. I could have helped them of course, but wheres the fun in that?

On one hand, if the doctor with the great accent dies, Sheppard will probably feel responsible. On the other hand, if they persevere and make it out alive, all members accounted for; they will feel so good about themselves. See, I'm not helping so they can become better human beings.

What? How dare you accuse me of that? I would never make McKay touch the flower for my own amusement. You have to admit, it was pretty funny when he was trying to tell Sheppard he didn't touch it, that someone had 'made' him do it. I crack myself up. Anyway, back to the action...or lack thereof. Not counting the doctor, no one has been injured. The pointy stick guys (whom shall henceforth be known as PSG's) seem to have lost interest in the people who defiled their sacred plant. That's no fair.

Why is Sheppard talking on his radio? The PSG's are no longer in hearing distance and his team is. Hmm...thinking, thinking, thinking. What are you pointing at? Oh. The doctor...yes, yes I know he has a name. Mention this to no one. Moving on, the leader of the pack is trying to communicate to the lost pup. I didn't think he'd still be alive, with all that blood and all. Hey look; the PSG's are closing in on our doomed doctor's position. The plot thickens...dun, dun, dun!

Sheppard looks really worried now. He looks around at his team, matching expressions, no real surprise there. Oh, they're in a huddle. Don't fumble now guys or I'll have to find something else to do. They come out of the huddle with their game faces on. What do you mean you don't like the football language? Fine. Lookie there, they send McKay to go for reinforcements. Sheppard is probably still mad at him, as he should be. He touched the wrong thing, which caused his friend to get skewered. Also, Sheppard feels responsible because they are under his command. And maybe the best one yet, Teyla persuaded the team to go to the village without guns because the natives were a peaceful bunch. Four people who feel horrible for the price of one. I'm a genius!

Let's go check on the lovable Dr. B. He's surrounded by crimson earth...hey that sounded kind of poetic, maybe I should write it down. That stick looks painful, considering that it's going straight through his body...twice. That's got to sting! I would have passed out by now. He's such a trooper. Don't give up little buddy. Stop laughing at me; I was trying to be supportive. I'm actually proud of myself for getting that all out with a straight face.

He looks like a shish kabob. Good to know he has quick reflexes. I think they hurt him more than helped in this particular situation. See, when the pointy stick, thrown by the PSG's, came hurling towards him, the doctor-man raised his arms to shield himself. Bad move. The pointy stick went through his left forearm, into his shoulder and out the other side. This in itself sucks. This guy needs a lucky rabbit's foot or something. When he fell, the pointy end embedded itself into the ground, pining him. Dr. B's arm is stuck halfway up the stick thing. Basically, he can't move if his life depended on it. Wait, his life does depend on it. This is getting good! Pass the popcorn.

The PSG's have landed! They have surrounded the unlucky human kebab. You guys don't really need to poke him with your sticks. It's not like he's going anywhere. Oh well, they don't listen. Ah, I see one taking initiative. He tries to un-stick the stick. I made a pun. Aren't I special? What? All right, back to the good stuff. The stick doesn't seem to budge. The little bugger gave up way too quickly. I think the Scot has finally passes out. Either that or he's playing dead. Or he is dead. The PSG's look bored. They're drifting off again. These guys have the attention span of goldfish. Hey look, something shiny!

Back to the gung ho team. I have no idea what's happening with McKay. I can only watch so many people at a time you know. And a floundering Sheppard is way more fun to spy on than an ego driven scientist. They have seen the PSG's try to steal Beckett and fail. Now that our little friends have moved on, the team scrambles to Carson. Poor Dr. B I was right, as always. He passed out. Wait...he's moving again. Damn, this guy is my hero.

What do you mean 'stop snickering'? This is funny. Shep has no idea what he's going to do. He looks like a lost puppy. Here boy...go get the stick...fetch! Oh, breaking out the big knife. Maybe they're going to cut off the good doctor's arm. Aw man, looks like they're digging a hole instead. Smarty pants. Dig around the stick to get it loose. Maybe they'll find some buried treasure down there. I hope it's gold. I need a new supply.

Ok. I may just be an all powerful, all knowing being, but wouldn't it hurt just a touch if you're run-through by a huge toothpick and it's being wiggled back and forth? Maybe that's just me. No. I think Dr. B and I are on the same wavelength. He doesn't look too well. He looks like he should be dead by now. Blood everywhere, it looks kind of artsy, I'm going to take a picture. And the pasty skin, that color cannot be good. I can hear the painful moans all the way up here. Poor guy, maybe I'll share my popcorn with him when he's better.

From thy bloodied earth hath risen thy doctor from the stars. Rejoice! See, I can do Shakespeare. They have freed Dr. B, obviously. They're making him walk. Bastards. Well, it's not like they could carry him. Maybe if I send subliminal messages, they'll pull the stick out...pull it out, pull it out, pull it out, pull it out! Dang it, no luck. C'mon, this is getting dull. Fab three plus skewered doc peter towards the stargate. Not much to hold my interest. It is kind of funny watching the doctor try to move...he looks like the Scarecrow, but bloodier.

Ah ha! The PSG's heard my mental message. With renewed gusto, or lack of something better to do, they are once again chasing after the team waving their pointy sticks in the air. Ditch the doctor and save yourselves. The base doesn't need its Chief Medical Officer, you guys can make due without him. Just stick on a band-aid, they fix anything. Well, except maybe major blood loss. Perhaps a really big band-aid would fix that. Hmm...I'll have to experiment with that later.

What are you going to do now Mr. Military Man? You're surrounded, outnumbered, and out gunned. Surrender? Well, to tell you the truth, I didn't see that coming. He must think that the reinforcements, lead by the mighty will be there soon. I never heard the gate activate. Let's take a peek, and see why that is. Well Shep 'ole boy, looks like you have a problem. The sure footed scientist seems to have tripped. That doesn't sound all that bad. And it wouldn't have been if he hadn't fallen into a trap. Poor genius, stuck in a hole.

Man, those guys are quick. Shep, the hot chick, and the other guy are face down in the dirt with pointy sticks pressed into their backs. The rest of the PSG's are starring at the Doc like they don't know what to do with him. He's barely on his feet. You know, I'm starting to like this guy more and more. The PSG's have made a decision. They are dragging Carson back towards the village...one on each end of the stick. I think it's safe to say that Dr. B will pass out very soon.

The grounded team is yelling at the PSG's. Do you think they are going to listen to you? I mean think about it? See I told you. Now you all have nice new bruises to add to your collection. The Major is a slow learner. See, that's what you get, another whack with the stick.

Just as I suspected, the doctor is down. Clean up on aisle 4! The PSG's slap him a few times, but he's still dead to the world. They wait, and wait, and wait...he's unconscious guys. Patient little devils. Did I just see a twitch? It's alive! The natives seem pleased. Ok, that's not right. They are dragging him across the ground by the stick. Poor guy, he's almost unconscious again. Wait...there he goes.

The PSG's wait until he wakes up, then drag him a couple of feet before he passes out again. Sick bastards. They tire of this game since they haven't been able to drag the Doc very far. What are they doing now? They put Dr. B on his back and one of them puts his weight onto the stick and presses it into the ground. The Docs arm is now pinned to his chest and he's stuck in the ground again. The PSG's examine their handiwork, signal the others and run back to their village. What a weird group of sadistic buggers.

Yes, yes, I know I caused all of this. That's not the point. Besides, it's entertaining, better than watching a movie. Free from their half naked captors, the three stooges once again try to free Dr. B. The knife trick doesn't work this time. Well, that sucks for you guys. They're discussing tactic now. Boring. Ah, they have a plan.

Sheppard tries the break the stick using his hands. He fails miserably. Nice one. Now Shep has a hold on the top of the stick and that other guy has a hold on the stick just above Carson's arm. Oh, you guys have got to be kidding. This is not a Karate movie. I think Teyla is going to kick it. Hey Carson, if you can hear me, be glad that you're unconscious because this is going to hurt like hell.

The guys brace for the kick. I'm impressed. The Athosian chick snapped the stick like kindling. Can I have your number? Hey, it could happen. Now what are they doing. Ah, well I guess that makes sense. They seem to like Dr. B. My friends would have given up long ago. Hey, he's awake just in time to join the festivities. Shep stops when he sees that the Doc is once again in the land of the living

Ooh, now he's talking on the radio. I think he wants those reinforcements. He doesn't look too happy. That can only mean one thing; he must be talking to McKay. Yup, still in the hole. Well, you were an asset to this mission Rod 'ole boy. Woah Major, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

The team, lacking back-up, looks like they're just going to continue. They each grab a Beckett-part. Shep has the bloody shoulder, Teyla has the other shoulder, and that other dude with the hat has the legs. They all lift up...nice synchrony guys...and presto! Doc is no longer a human pin cushion. Aww, the bloody stick looks so barren now that the Doc isn't attached. Hey Shep, go find something else to stick on it so it won't feel lonely. Stop looking at me like that, I didn't say it had to be alive...just prefer it. Anyway, Dr. B now seems to be a human siren. It didn't look all that painful. Well, maybe a little, but hey, you're off the stick of doom. I wonder, if he's screaming that much, shouldn't he have passed out by now? Eh, maybe that's just me.

Yes, good little soldier boy, apply pressure to the wound. The other guy doesn't look very well. It'd be kind of funny if he passed out before the Doc does. He's wavering. I'm taking bets. Anyone want to get in on this action? Betting for him, are you? Your money is mine. That's it Shep, make him help you stop the bleeding. Surprise, surprise, Major guy has taken off his shirt to staunch the blood flow. Figures. Good news, that-guy-who-isn't-important-enough-for-me-to-remember-his-name, just fainted. Yes! No, I did not make him faint on purpose so he'd look like a pansy and I'd win the bet. I have no idea what you're talking about. How dare you even accuse me of that? Pay up. The bad news, he landed on Dr. B. I don't think the doc appreciated that, grunt boy.

Teyla pulled what's his face off of the cooler guy, and tied the Shep shirt around his shoulder. Moving time. The mighty Major slings the poorly doctor over his shoulder. Good ole fireman's carry. Works every time. Ok, now that's funny. Teyla, chick of many talents, has the fainting dude in the same carry. If the rest of the guys find out, he's going to get so much crap about it. I love it!

I hope you guys don't leave anything behind, like scientist in a hole. I wonder what he's doing in there. Probably trying to think up a good excuse so Shep won't kill him. It better be good. The intrepid team just reached the hole. Shep gently puts down the lovable Scot. Teyla isn't as gentle. Just toss him to the ground...there you go. The conscious bodies are peering into the shallow hole. McKay is sitting at the bottom eating a power bar. Bad move. It looks like their fearless leader is going to explode. Is that vein supposed to pulse like that?

The hot chick helps Mr. Geek out of the hole. At least he uses his genius intellect to walk as far away from Shep as possible. Self preservation at its finest. But on the bright side, Shep has to carry the Doc, so he doesn't really have any hands free for beating McKay to a pulp. He could order Teyla to do some bodily harm to the scientist, but she still has to carry what's his face. I can't believe he is still out. What a weenie.

Oh man, these guys just cannot catch a break. They just got about one hundred yards from the gate and more PSG's popped out of the woodwork. This just keeps getting better and better. Wow, I didn't know the major could run that fast carrying a Scot. He must workout. I wish I could watch that hot chick pump some iron. Anywho, the PSG's are catching up. Rod sprinted ahead to dial the gate, that must have hurt. He's actually waiting for the rest of the team so they can all go together. Isn't that sweet? I would have left their sorry asses to the wrath of the PSG's. After all, I had just fallen into a hole.

You're almost there guys. Here, try chanting 'I think I can...I think I can...I think I can...I think I can'. It works every time. Of course with what I've seen so far, you lot will probably be the exception. Yup, just as I thought. Teyla just stumbled because the gut she was lugging around woke up. Man he looks confused. He gets a shove towards the gate with Shep and luggage following. There seems to be a lot of that important substance on the Major; what's it called again...ah yes, blood. It can' t be that important if poor Dr. B. seems to be missing quite a lot and is still alive. He's still alive...right?

McKay deems the team close enough, and he hops through the gate. Scardy cat. The hot chick and the other guy hop through as well, but with more style. The Shepmiester gets a chink in his manly reputation as he trips going through the gate. This physical faux pas sends Beckett hurling into the gate. The guys on the other side are going to have fun with that one. I estimate the landing score will be about a 7. The sad little PSG's watch the sacred flower defilers scurry home. They look kind of bummed, but ay least one guy whose on the ball sent a pointy stick through the gate as a parting gift.

I hope it hit what's his name.

To Be Continued...


	2. Ford gets skewered

Our intrepid explorers just escaped the clutches of the PSG's. Now that was exciting. Dr. B. is unconscious on the floor, in front of the gate. You guys should really move him; he's getting blood everywhere. That could be a fire hazard. If the Fire Marshall comes, everyone hide. Except for you Doc, you just play dead. That's good, just like that.

Shep is still pissed at McKay for starting all of this. Never, and I repeat, never touch the sacred flower. Not even if an omnipotent being makes you do it to amuse themselves. Personally, I would never do such a thing, I was speaking hypothetically. McKay is trying to keep Teyla between him and Shep. The BDU wearing CO of the U.S.A.F. is PO'd at the MRE loving PhD with the high IQ for getting the ATA sharing MD a.k.a. CMO skewered by the PSG's. You guys look like you are playing tag. Grow up already. There are bleeding people on the floor. What? Yes, I said people, as in more than one. Of course I mentioned both of them. Fine, fine, I'll do it again, just for you. Pay attention next time.

Behind door number one, we have the Scot with major blood loss. He was formally a human shish kebab, but gave up that gig for a more flexible position. Behind door number two is that other guy. Remember that pointy stick that the PSG's tossed through the gate as a parting gift? Well, the stick heard my wishes and has embedded itself into that Ford guy.

Now I know what you are thinking. But trust me; strip twister is a lot more fun when you are drunk. Oh, sorry, I got confused. You want to know where the pointy stick is, don't you? Well, this I have never seen before, and I've seen a lot. There was this one time when...ok, ok, stop yelling. I'll tell. The random guy with the hat has been skewered through his thigh. Unfortunately, the pointy stick went straight through that thigh and into the other one. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, both of his thighs, as in two. Man, you shouldn't have been standing sideways like that. That has got to suck.

Dr. B now has a bleeding buddy. The medics finally arrive. You guys sure took your sweet time. What the hell were you doing? Playing tiddlywinks? No, no, no, don't just stand there and look at 'formally skewered' and 'skewered', do something. Are you people really medical practitioners, or does Dr. B just keep you around because you're pretty to look at? I thought Beckett was the pretty one? Did I just say that out loud? I meant it in a manly sort of way...yeah.

What's-his-face is moaning in pain; what a whuss. He's trying to curl into the fetal position...a little hard when you can't move anything below the waist. Where's the PSG's when you need them. They would have a field day with this one. Maybe I should bring some here to entertain myself. Hmm, thinking...thinking...thinking.

Anyway, that one guy is being lifted onto a stretcher. Why do they call those things stretchers anyhow? It sounds more like a torture device. He ate my last cookie...SEND HIM TO THE STRETCHER! Mwwhahaha! I think it would be way more effective as the name of an implement of doom. Back to the action, injured grunt boy is being wheeled off on the rollie-bed. Meanwhile, the medic people who are left are fighting over who gets to work on their boss. You people amaze me. Let the good doctor bleed to death why don't you? Arguing fools! You need to be taught a lesson.

Oh look, the gate accidentally turned on and a mob of PSG's just came thorough. Another odd coincidence, all of the weapons (not including the pointy sticks) have vanished. Shep, who has McKay in a headlock, releases the scientist and gives him a little shove in the PSG's direction as he and Teyla run after Ford pretending to be concerned for his well being, so they won't get in trouble. Oh yeah, that was real mature. Enter Dr. Elizabeth Weir. I don't really like that name; it's too long. Dr. Elizabeth will henceforth be referred to as DEW.

DEW comes out of her high and mighty office. Woah, she does not look amused. I'd hate to have that look directed towards me. She's yelling at retreating soldier boy for trying to sacrifice the smart guy. That was hilarious.

The PSG's circle Dr. B. They are all pointing their sticks outwards, so no one can get into the circle. I wonder what they're up to. They let the medics finish patching up Beckett...um, he needs more than a field dressing there guys. He doesn't seem to be moving. I think he's dead. Hey, one of the PSG's is thinking like me. Great minds think alike. He gently pokes Dr. B. Hmm...no movement. I think he lost too much blood. Poor guy.

Ooh, the PSG's are pissed. Their play toy has died. That sucks. They shove all the medics out of their circle and poke the doc some more. DEW is yelling at them, but they ignore her. After all, they are the ones with the pointy objects.

The PSG's scan the room for someone else to torture. Most of them maintain the circle, whilst a brave few venture out. Hey looky, they find that pony-tailed prick. I forgot he was here, probably because he was hiding behind a console. Yes, kill him, he's annoying. A stick is shoved in his face and he is now in the fetal position rocking back ad forth and crying like a baby. Yup, he handles stressful situations like a pro. Get that man a pacifier! And you handpicked this guy yourself, DEW? What were you thinking? I'd rather have a monkey who flings his own poo watching my back, as opposed to that Kavanaugh guy. And you can quote me on that.

Finding the pitiful excuse for a man under par for skewering, the PSG's move on. One of them chucks a pointy stick at DEW's head. It whizzes by, missing her by mere centimeters. Damn, she didn't even flinch. Holy crap, I think they are scared of her. Chalk one up for DEW.

I can tell they really miss being mean to Carson. Let's see what I can do about that. Make sure no body is looking, and presto, Dr. B. is back from the light. IT'S ALIVE! I told him not to look directly at it. You people should learn to listen to me by now. By some miraculous feat, Beckett's blood level is back to normal. Huh, I wonder how that happened. It's not like I could do that...or anything. Nothing should be that easy, so the big gaping hole in his arm and shoulder is still there. That must hurt like the devil. Bummer.

With their favorite person risen from the dead, the PSG's stop searching for a replacement; although, they were looking at McKay with an evil glint. Well, that's an interesting use of the stargate. Way to be creative guys. The gate is acting as a makeshift gallows. Where that rope came from, I will never know. Don't even go there, I swear I didn't have a hand in that...this time. I think they're going to string up poor Beckett. He should win an award or something for being the PSG's whipping boy and not dying...oh wait. Ok, how about being the whipping boy, overcoming death, and revising the role? Yeah, I like that. Someone get cracking on that award.

Two PSG's are holding up Dr. B. while another is flinging a rope over the gate. Nice throw. Now they are fastening a noose around the Scot's neck. DEW does not look like she is enjoying this. Hey, order the crying guy to trade places, like a noble sacrifice. He'd probably pass out halfway there, but then he wouldn't feel a thing. It's a win/win situation. C'mon, you know you want to. Phoey, doesn't look like that's going to happen.

Wow, brave little toaster. McKay makes an excellent flying tackle and takes out one of the PSG's holding up Carson. The rugby fans can appreciate that move. It was a nice idea, but now he is right next to Dr. B. also being fitted for a noose. And you know what they say, no noose is good noose! What? I thought it was funny. DEW is about to explode here. She's using all of her diplomatic skills in her possession. No luck. Wait...maybe it did work. The neck stretching exhibit is put on hold and one of the PSG's is walking towards her.

He stops just feet in front of her and...cover me in butter and call me Suzie! You will not believe what just came out of that PSG's mouth. Here it is, and I quote. "Begging your pardon madam, but our death by asphyxiation ritual must be adhered to. One of your team members defiled our sacred flower during their expedition. Our divine deities demand this sacrifice. Terribly sorry for the inconvenience, but we must proceed." The little buggers even have English accents.

Poor DEW is so shocked that she can't utter a word in response. That was a total one-eighty. I wonder if I can rent these guys for my next birthday party. They'd be a hoot. I bet they'd make great balloon animals, just look at the exquisite knots they used for the nooses. Brilliant!

The two scientist dudes, Bloody and Snarky, are in the final stages of the ritual. Nooses taut, the PSG's are about to pull the rope lifting the guys up. Is anyone going to stop them? Anyone...anyone? Nope? Ok, on with the show. The PSG's do the 'ole heave-ho and our boys are airborne.

Rod looks like he has ants in his pants. Stop squirming and take it like a man. Dr. B. is...wait, where is Dr. B? How did he get on the floor? The rope is still attached to his neck, and he's sputtering and coughing on the ground. I'm lost. Wait...McKay just joined Beckett. Sadly, his landing left something to be required. Did I hear bone snap? Yes? No? Anyone? Will someone please tell me what is happening?

Ahh, I see. Man, that is so cliche. The mighty Maj. is sneaking around shooting the ropes, releasing our favorite prisoners. That is so not fair. There needs to be an epic battle, death and destruction. I paid good money for these seats. I demand action. Where are those Customer Evaluation Cards...I am so going to give you lot a little piece of my mind.

Moving on. Poor PSG's. They are as confused as I am. Mr. Fantastic has recovered enough to help Beckett out of his new neck attire. I think he landed on his injured shoulder when he was set free by Shep. That blood stain looks like ketchup. Hey Rod...lick it. I'm only curious because it

looks fake. Well, poke it at the very least.

DEW has finally regained her composure. Thank heavens for that; she could have caught flies (or a virus) with her mouth open like that. She runs to the science duo and kneels down, making sure they are still alive. Hey lady, they are moving, that's your first cue right there. Ok, now this is what I'm talking about.

The PSG's are surround the trio pointing their pointy sticks at the Atlantis members. They still seem to be a little timid when it comes to DEW. This leader chick has major kahones. Aw, now isn't that sweet. The battered and bloody doctor man is trying to get in front of DEW to protect her. That's so cute. I see a couple flaws in your plan, my good man. #1 you were just brought back from the dead, you have a hole in your shoulder, and almost got hung like two minutes ago. #2 The PSG's are surrounding you. No matter where you are, the attackers always have a clear shot at DEW. But other than that, good plan.

Oh look, PSG's are in awe. I don't think they believe Dr. B should be able to move, and he's trying to protect an able bodied team member. Maybe he's secretly bionic. Damn, they look really confused. The pointy sticks are drooping and they are chatting amongst themselves. Ok...One of them just fell over, adding more confusion.

Dun, dun, dun, the plot thickens; there is a tranquilizer dart sticking out of his chest. A couple more PSG's hit the deck. Finally, the fog of mystery has been lifted. Shep drops from out of no where and he shoots the remaining PSG's. He is covered in war paint. Dude, you look like an idiot. You did it to blend in, my ass. You just wanted to strip down to your pants in front of the hot chick. Well, buddy boy, she's not here. Even if she was...SHE'S MINE!

I guess the war paint went to his head, because he hasn't stop shooting even though all of the PSG's are out. He just took out DEW and Beckett, causing McKay to look at the unconscious people at his feet and run off. He isn't fast enough due to his broken ankle, and the military fool just shoots him in the butt. He totally did that on purpose. That's what you get for touching the sacred flower.

Shep leaves the medics to run around like chickens with their heads cut off. They are very amusing. I know, they should have a job-swap day. The military blokes should switch places with the scientists. Yes, I know the city would go to hell. That's the point. You know it'd be funny. Admit it.

Johnny seems to be done with his dart shooting spree. I wonder if he realized he was going to get in big trouble, or he just ran out of darts. Well, now he grabs Kavanaugh, who is still cowering in the corner and tells him to dial the gate to PSGHW (Pointy Stick Guy's Home World). What's that on girly-man's pants? They seem a little soggy. I'm desperately trying not to think of why that is. Damn...failed. Moving on.

The gate just flushed open. Nice one there G.I. Joe, since you shot everyone, you have to drag all the PSG's to the gate all by your lonesome. And you're supposed to be a smart military leader. You lied on you application, didn't you?

Now he's tossing the PSG's through the blue puddle thing like sacks of potatoes. That's going to hurt on the other side. Eh, what do I care? They have amused me. No, no, no, don't hurl DEW along with the PSG's. Dumbass. Well, this is boring again. The threat has been taken care of, everyone is unconscious or crying in a corner and no one is on the verge of dying. That's it, I'm leaving. Although, it did turn out to be a good show. So, same time next week? Remember, it's your turn to bring the popcorn.

The End...Until the next episode.


	3. Skewers are absent

PSG 3

Picture if you will, a seemingly quite day in the city of Atlantis. Little do they know, what they about to experience can only be described as sheer terror. This is because they are in: The Twilight Zone...do do do do do do do do. What do you mean I can't say that? Calm down, we are not going to get sued. You're just jealous because I can do a better impersonation of Rod Sterling. Hey, I thought I told you to bring the popcorn this time? You are completely useless, you know that right?

I want that British guy's job. All he does is sit around pushing buttons. I can do that. It's not like he's going to die anytime soon, or anything. Oh look, he's pushing those shiny buttons now. That toilet boil flush effect never gets old. INCOMING! Sucker! Made you duck. The fab four have returned. Wait, I don't see any casts...have I been gone that long? I thought I set my alarm for like, an hour. Oops.

Something is wrong with this picture. What could it be...I have it! They make is through the gate and there's no blood or angry natives. What have you guys been doing since I've been gone? Nothing fun I see. A nice friendly game of Pick-Up Sticks is not what I meant when I said I wanted fierce competition. No one looks broken. I'm going to cry. Although that Ford guy is holding himself like he has broken ribs. Now it could get interesting. Except...he's smiling. What the hell? I always suspected he was a strange little man.

DEW sends them all to see the mighty Scot. He better break out the big needles. Dr. B looks brand spankin' new as well. Seriously, how long was I out? Who spiked my drink? I will have my revenge! Anywho…the leader, the geek, and the hot chick have no boo-boo's and make a b-line far away from the room that holds instruments labeled 'probes'.

The 'other' dude seems reluctant to shed his clothes. Don't be shy...strip for the crowd. Yes, I know it's only us and Dr. B. It was just an expression. Besides, I know you want to see him naked. Anyway, Beckett is in full doctor mode. He looks really worried; I hope he doesn't pass out. Though, that would liven up the atmosphere a bit.

Under the steely gaze of doctor man, the jacket hath been removed. What the hell is that? Did Ford just give birth to a...a...hamster? Why am I always lost around these people? Personally, I don't see the family resemblance. One's kinda orangey with beady eyes while the other one is black with beady eyes. Ah, I see it now. It's all in the eyes. What? Stop shaking your head at me.

The hamster creature, whom I christen, Floyd, is busy inspecting the medical bed. What's that little yellow puddle? Oh, ick, that's just disgusting. Ford! There are places where one does that, you know. Grow up. The doc kicks him out, and keeps Floyd. Take that, soldier boy!

Dr. B is examining Floyd as Rod stumbles into the room. Could this possibly be the blood I've been waiting for? He's screaming that he's blind. Woohoo! Grandma told you not to sit that close to the TV screen. He says he was blinded by, uh, something. It sounded scientific and went right over my head. Behold! The trusty penlight hath been broken out. Bow down to its power. Dr. B says there is nothing wrong, and as soon as McKay opens his eyes, he can see. Gee, that was a miracle. One for the record books no doubt. Hey Rod, you do realize that next time you come into the infirmary, even if you have a hole where one eye used to be and a knife sticking out of the other one, Beckett will not pay any attention to you? I'll have to be here for that. Where's my appointment book?

Hey look, Floyd escaped. As Rod runs away exclaiming to everyone about the miracle that is Carson, the said doc is frantically searching for the little rodent. Oh, this is extremely amusing, a grown man crawling around on the floor, making cute little cooing noises. Any of you dimwits have a camera? Crikey! I need to get a camera. This would be great blackmail material. I think my day has finally picked up.

The doc's head pops up like a prairie dog as someone outside the door lets out a high pitch squeal. This could be the result of our microwaveable furball. Hey, I didn't say I would microwave it, just that it was possible. Are there even microwaves in this city? I'm sure the science geeks could manufacture something, or maybe a BBQ. I could go for a big juicy steak right about now but judging by the size of the Floyd, more like half of an appetizer. Yup, good 'ole whores de ovaries. What? That's what it says on the menu. See: hors d'oeuvres.

Dr. B makes good time running out into the hallway. Kind of like his ass is on fire. Which it will be if DEW catches Floyd before Dr. B does. Oh, that figures, its girly-man in the fetal position again. Before Beckett can ask the guy on the floor points towards the gate room. Floyd seems to be talking the 5¢ tour all by his lonesome, way to be assertive little buddy. Maybe I can strap a little camera to his head and then we'll have 'Creature Vision'.

Cut to gate room, Dr. B skids to a halt...almost. His shoe catches and he falls flat on his face. He bounces right back up. Yeah man, that was graceful. Just keep on walking, maybe no one noticed. Curious, nobody seems to be shrieking or standing on top of furniture in terror. Maybe that pony-tailed jerk was mistaken; it wouldn't be a stretch. I think he needs to take a little vacation to the PSGHW. On second thought, that wouldn't be much of a challenge for the PSG's. Hey, I bet they could find Floyd in an instant. Granted, they'd probably skewer him. That does seem to be their modus operandi.

Beckett is trying to act all nonchalant as he crawls around on the floor. I don't think its working. DEW comes out of her office summoned by all of the giggling and asks Carson what the hell he is doing. Ooh, nice cover, he says he looking for his lost contact lens. DEW, who I think is abusing her leader status, orders everyone within earshot to help Dr. B. They all respond like trained monkeys and hit the deck Military people crack me up.

With Floyd still AWOL, Dr. B sneakily crawls to the other side of the room and out the door. Everyone else is still searching the floor. That seems like a health hazard. Maybe someone will catch an alien plague. C'mon people, someone needs to fall ill, or be invaded by an alien entity. I don't even have popcorn, I need stimulation! Shep walks through the door not having a clue what everyone else is doing, shouts 'I'm game!' and drops to the ground. Wow, that is one very special person, and not in a good way. I'll come back to them later. Let's follow Beckett; he'll probably get into trouble soon.

Ah, he just crawled into McKay's lab. This should be interesting. Since Rod has regained his sight he's tinkering with a small round toy. Hey, those are cool; they're filled with a kind of glue...but more fun. Oh, this is going to be great. Genius boy doesn't see the doc crawl right behind him. He backs up into Beckett, losses his balance and grip on the glue ball. We all know what happens next. They look like a two headed crab. Somehow the glue ball got sandwiched in between them, so the guys are glued back to back.

Dr. B doesn't have a clue what just happened, and they are both trying to un-stick themselves. This is hysterical. If I had been drinking a cold beverage, it would have been streaming out of my nose by now. The only problem is someone forgot the snacks. Yes, you. Don't point to yourself and act all innocent. I even sent you a memo.

Praise be on high, they have managed to stand up...wait, they're down again. Never try to go your own way when adhered to another person. Wasn't that in the SG handbook? Well, it should be. It's a very important tip. You never know when you'll end up in your underwear out in the middle of the forest duct taped to someone you have never seen before...or was that just me?

Moving on, the glue brothers have made it to their feet again. Dr. B is still on his journey to catch Floyd, so he had to tell McKay what was going on. After a bit of grumbling, the science nerds agree to work together to find the hamster, then free themselves. Oh this is going to be fantastic. Ok guys, you're supposed to look inconspicuous. I don't think that's going to happen if you are crawling around on the floor glued together.

By process of elimination, Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum enter the jumper bay. Uh-oh, McKay just saw what he thought was Floyd, crawl into a jumper right before it took off. Houston, we have a problem. Unfortunately for the guys, the jumper has already taken off. I am so loving this. Looks like Floyd is going on a little trip to the mainland. I hope he remembered his sun screen. Those UV rays can be very hazardous.

Now how are you going to fly a jumper with Rod stuck to your back? For a couple of geniuses, theses science dudes can be really stupid. Bringing out the big guns, they call that little scientist man. Dr. Zlinky. Well, that wasn't very inventive, but I guess it works. Dr. Zlinky laughs his ass off at the pair then removes the pilot seat from the jumper. He's still laughing; I hope he doesn't explode. Then who would clean up all the goo? Bits and pieces of flesh stuck in the controls would not be pleasant.

After Zlinky runs away, Dr.'s B and McKay argue over who gets to fly. Hey, this might come to blows. Oh wait, they can't really reach other...damn. Dr. B wins when he threatens to tell DEW about Rod's little 'Liz' shrine. I love a good blackmail.

Sadly, they make it to the main land without injury. It was fun to watch Dr. B pilot the PJ with McKay trying to see where they were going. This isn't the Exorcist; you can't turn your head around that far. They land next to the other Puddle Jumper and scramble inside, looking for Floyd. Aw, poor guys, foiled again. You have to be smarter than the hamster to catch it. The explorer(s) search the immediate area, coming up empty handed.

Oh look, somehow the hatch to the jumper has locked. It wasn't me...scout's honor. What else could go wrong? Maybe some PSG's could make an appearance. Let's go see what they are up to.

WTF? The PSG's are sitting in a circle drinking tea? Is there any place the British haven't colonized? Seriously, those people need a better hobby. Like cricket…er…so much for that plan. My guys don't seem to be in the skewering mood. Yeah, that's right, eat another crumpet. If I hear any of you saying cheeri-oh, blood will be spilt.

I guess I'll have to find another way to amuse myself. Wait, why do I always have to be the decision maker? Why don't you decide? What do you mean you're only here for moral support? No decisions, no snack food, why do I even bring you along? Oh yeah, I remember, that whole missing eyebrows incident. But in my defense, how was I supposed to know hair gel was flammable?

Back to the action. The glue twins are trying to get back into the Jumper. Rod gets frustrated and kicks the thing, which causes him to overbalance; he tries to right himself, but falls over anyway. YES! Finally! Roddy crumbles as his and Beckett's combined weight snaps his ankle like a twig. It wasn't the blood and destruction that I was after, but I guess it will do.

This is great. Geek boy can't use his left leg. Dr. B has to take on the extra load. Let's review, shall we. Lost an alien hamster...Pinky and The Brain have glued themselves together...said duo is locked out of the PJ...search for Floyd has turned up nothing...The Brain broke his ankle. That about sums up a normal day for these two. How are they still alive?

I'll let them tinker with the ship for awhile. Let's see if the people are still searching the control room floor. Now that's different. They're making human pyramids. Don't you people have better things to do with your time? Like making me a sandwich? What? I'm hungry. A nice BLT would do the job right about now. You'll make me one? Really? Wait, what's the catch? No, no way! They're my entertainment. Fine.

I have traded the PJ's locking mechanism for a BLT. Totally worth it. Switching gears, the PJ has magically been fixed. Mmm...bacon. The sad three legged pair starts the flying Winnebago up and head back to Atlantis.

They are in deep trouble now. DEW is waiting for them, arms crossed, toe tapping. No wonder the PSG's are afraid of her. She doesn't even bat an eye at their appearance. The two exit the jumper on three legs, no, make that two. The guys have locked elbows and Dr. B is leaning forward, carrying Rod on his back. I wonder if I can hire Dr. B out as a pack mule. He could carry me down to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. I've always wanted to go there. Maybe I could take a day trip down there, pack a nice picnic lunch. Here's what you need: a Costco Polish dog with deli mustard, relish, onions and ketchup. This is how you do it. The ketchup goes on one side of the bun, the mustard goes on the other side, then the rest you pile on top... and a watermelon. Damn it, now I'm hungry.

DEW sends the guys to the infirmary to un-stick themselves. I know, set them on fire to burn up all the glue. It'll work. The flames will burn away all of the glue and presto, one man enters, two men leave. Who cares if the guys lose a few layers of skin, they'll be free. Yes, yes, I remember the eyebrow incident. But it was your idea to become a fire eater in the first place. All I did was light the stick...with lighter fluid.

The boys call Dr. Zlinky to help them with their endeavor. First, they try to pull themselves apart. Two assistants and one dislocated shoulder later, no luck. Next, they try all kinds of liquids. A lot of cursing and two drowned rats later, still no luck. Wait, is that what I think it is? Could it be? Possibly? Rejoice! My prayers have been answered. Break out the marshmallows; we're going to have a little bonfire.

Our sticky pair is covered in nonflammable gel. The fire dude burns the glue away little by little, pulling apart science boys as he goes. Half an hour later and covered head to toe in burnt smelling goo, we now have two separate individuals. And I have a s'more.

I just took a peek in the control room and the human pyramids seem to have fallen asleep on the floor. DEW is so going to kick all of your ass...wuh? Apparently she's taking a little nap herself. Shooting the look of doom at our favorite scientists must have taken a lot out of her. That trickle of drool is hot, oh yeah.

So, half of the city is drooling on the gateroom floor, two division heads are trying to de-goo themselves, and Floyd is still missing. Is this a good time to tell them that Floyd has been in Dr. B's lab coat pocket all this time? Nah let them suffer...it's more fun.

Stay Tuned for Next Week's Adventure...


	4. Rodent gets skewered

PSG 4

I can't believe McKay ate Floyd. I mean, I know the food in Atlantis probably isn't the best, but an innocent hamster? That's just mean. It wasn't his fault Beckett lost him and you two ended up glued together. Besides, the experience couldn't have been all that bad. For one, you got to see what a Siamese twin feels like. I wonder if hamsters taste like chicken? Who wants to volunteer to test that theory? Anyone? Anyone? Fine! Another mystery that will never be solved.

I wonder where Floyd was from...maybe Hamsterdam...I dunno. Speaking of food, did you remember the snacks? Oh, sweet! Wait, what in the world are those? Rice cakes? You have got to be kidding. Are you trying to kill me? These things taste like cardboard. I'd rather gnaw on an extremely old, ripe, flamingo carcass. I'm never bringing you with me ever again. Yeah, I know I've said that before, but this time I'm serious.

I don't feel very well. I think I'm going into anaphylactic shock. I need food. Oh great, I think I've been spying on McKay far too long. Speaking of the snarky scientist, let's see where he ran off to after eating Floyd (may he rest in peace...or pieces as the case may be). I have no doubt Rod is going to hell in a hand basket for munching on that defenseless little rodent.

Rod just strolled into Dr. B's office carrying another ancient thingy-ma-bob. Seeing his approach, Carson tries to hide, but he isn't fast enough. You need to cut down on your food rations there doc. And where did you think you were going? That room you're in only has one door and its path is blocked by the guy you are trying to run away from. What were you thinking? Maybe you were sniffing white-out before you were interrupted?

McKay catches Beckett and shoves the gadget at the flustered man. Uh...where'd he go? As soon as the doctor touched the object, he disappeared. Hey, that's a pretty neat party trick. The Disappearing Doctor with his lovely assistant, Physics Nerd. Rod is looking around, really confused. Dr. B is yelling at the scientist trying to figure out what happened. Yeah, that's going to work. Actually, it might have if Carson stood still. Moving around so his voice pops in random spaces is not the way to keep someone calm. It's fun for me because every time this happens, it scares the bejesus out of McKay. Standing still is a concept not yet mastered by Carson. Maybe he ate paint chips as a child as well as the white-out. That would explain a lot of things.

Rod has started flailing around trying to get a hold of the invisible man. You know, I wouldn't be swinging my arms like that if I were you, someone could get hurt. Oh, lookie there. Right again. Dr. B has been whacked in the face by Rod. That's kind of neat how the blood pouring out of his nose accentuates his chin and gives his clothes life. Well the good news, now we can see Dr. B. The bad news though, he seems to have collapsed, unconscious. Good news, he's in the infirmary. Bad news, it's the night shift and no one is there but him. Good, Rod is with him. Bad, Rod is with him.

McKay is busy trying to round up the loose mice running around on the floor. You see, when Dr. B fell, his arm caught the side of the rodent cage. Woah Nelly! That is one funky looking mouse. Wait, that looks like a hamster...Floyd? Is that you? It's a miracle! I just have one question...If that's Floyd, what the hell did Rod just eat?

Oh well, he doesn't seem any worse for wear. I'm telling you, that man has an iron stomach. From unidentifiable piles of goo in the back of the fridge to steaming plates of who knows what in the cafeteria. Speaking of hot dishes, how's Beckett? Uh...Did I say that out loud? And did I say Beckett? I meant Teyla. Yeah. The woman…with the large, um, eyes. Oh who am I kidding, I yearn for Dr. B. I'm omnipotent and have no genitalia, I can swing which ever way I like (I wish I still had something to swing...anyway, that's another story).

Moving on, Dr. B is still unconscious...I think. C'mon, cut me a little slack here, the man is invisible. This might prove to be interesting. Rod is being yelled at through his radio. It seems that he is late for a mission. You'd think he'd be able to tell time. Seriously, you can see that watch he has on his wrist from space, without magnification. Huh, who knew he runs like a girl when under the chopping block. Uh...science dude, I think you forgot something. Looks like Dr. B will have to fix himself. His invisible self.

The self-proclaimed genius makes a lovely entrance into the gate room. He runs through the door smack-dab into DEW, landing on top of her. He uses her breasts to break his fall. Smooth. His hand is still resting on one. That's probably the most action he's had in awhile. Ooh, she doe not look happy. Her fangs are bared. Maybe she'll gnaw off his arm. That should take him down a peg or two.

Realizing what he has done, Roddy springs up, snatching his hand away from DEW like she's on fire. Hmm...Breasts of Fire, I think I've seen that one. What? It was a documentary...on fire eaters. Anywho, now at least three people are pissed off at McKay, and that's just in the last five minutes. This might be a new record.

The cool toilet bowl flushes and the scientist is shoved through followed by the other team members that were waiting impatiently for the resident geek, which are Sheppy, the hot chick and that one guy in the hat. Hmm...I'm renaming him because he isn't important enough for me to remember his real name. He shall henceforth be known as TOG (that one guy).

Using magical powers...using magical powers...ab-using magical powers...I have followed the tone deaf quartet to some strangely named planet. What's with all the numbers and letters? How about naming planets things like "Those Trees Look Like Beer Mugs" or "Beware Killer Three-Legged Wombats"? Why do all of these planets look like Canada? I'll put that on my list of things to figure out before I die.

What the hell are those things? Right off the bat, our fantastic ensemble is ambushed by...things. Wow, they look like catfish. Albino catfish. Mean albino catfish. I like them. Hey mom, can I have one? I'll clean up the mess and take it for walks everyday, I promise. Pretty please?

The team searches for cover as they shoot the beasties. Ooh, they are not going down without a fight. They might be fun to pit against the PSG's. One more thing added to my list.

Sheppy and the hot chick take out a couple of the so called enemy. TOG gets blind sided. That's what you get when you're not paying attention. I told him to stop starring at the pretty birdy in the tree. He should also learn how to duck. Rod has somehow managed to jam his weapon. That could only happen to him, I swear. A catfish approaches from behind. Luckily, McKay has his trusty pistol. (I know from inside sources that he named it. I can't tell you what he named it...I was sworn to secrecy.) No wait, my mistake that seems to be missing. They let this guy off world on purpose, right?

The missing gun is floating in the air in a way that would make David Copperfield proud. I mean the guy made the Statue of Liberty disappear. He's my hero. I once pulled a coin out of someone's ear. It takes great skill to be a magician. But I gave it all up to...what the hell am I doing anyway? Oh well, back to it.

The phantom holder of the gun sets the tiny metal prisoners free, straight into the catfish. Oh, stupid me. This totally makes sense now. Dr. B must have followed Rod and the team through the gate. Lucky for them he did. He's using his power of invisibility to take out the catfish. One thing escapes me though. If he followed Rod straight from the infirmary...his clothes should be bloody, thus allowing everyone to see him. Oh lord, he must have taken off his clothes.

I really hope the Ancient device is messing with his mind. We wouldn't want the good doctor to strip at any given moment. That might be awkward for some. I can see it now...someone walks into the infirmary a little banged up and they leave blind and scarred for life.

Hmm...maybe the naked Scot can be used strategically. In the face of the enemy, strip Beckett down to his birthday suit and throw him to the other side. If they don't go blind, he'll at least make a good distraction. Then Shep and Co. can do the G.I. Joe mumbo jumbo and shoot everything.

Anywho, the floating gun wielded by Dr. B is doing fine work. The duo has taken out the Cajun wannabes that were running around trying to be sneaky. Man, you guys got killed by a naked dude. That has got to be embarrassing. I'd rather be taken out by the hot chick. Hell, I'd take death by Rod over a nude fellow any day.

The threat having been taken out, Shep, the hot chick, Tog, and Rod are starring at the possessed gun. Rod doesn't look all that impressed. He figured out what's going on but forgot to tell his team. Major Hair wants to shoot it, the hot chick wants to fight it, and TOG wants to name it. Snark man dismisses them all and starts a conversation with the air. Huh, who knew the air has a Scottish accent. That's pretty nifty. Rod convinces Dr. B to stay invisible as they all head back to the gate. They lost TOG along the way. He saw something shiny and veered off to look at it. Maybe they'll pick him up later.

Popping back into the land of Atlantis, DEW thinksMcKay has finally lost all of his marbles. He's steering the invisible Carson to the infirmary to see it they can make him visible again. Again, he forgets to tell anyone. The two science boys leave and DEW starts ranting about TOG. Whoops, looks like she wanted the ENTIRE team to return. Meh, TOG'll be fine. He may be concussed and in the hands of the catfish, but most of them were dead anyway.

DEW doesn't seem to see it my way. Shep and the hot chick are sent back to Canada to retrieve the lost team member. Hey, can you guys bring back one of those catfish things for me? What do I want with it? Are you kidding me? If it's not obvious to you, you need to be more observant. I'm not even going to dignify that question with an answer. Plus, you tried to kill me with rice cakes.

Enter the infirmary...Rod shoos everyone away. Someone just flipped him the bird behind his back. Hey now, that was a little uncalled for. I will deal with you later. Right now there are more important things to take care of. Like, how are we going to get Dr. B visible again...and clothed for that matter.

Looks like Rod was thinking about the naked thing too. He grabs a pair of scrubs and makes Beckett put them on. Ok, that is extremely creepy. A pair of scrubs moving around without extremities...or a head. I may have to sleep with the night light on tonight. Um..don't tell anyone, ok? Thanks.

Oh, would you look at that. McKay wants to experiment on the good doctor. Dr. B doesn't take to kindly to that idea. Rod tries to snag the Scot, but he has removed the scrubs. Oh goody, he's naked again. Maybe he just likes all the ventilation for his nether regions.

Rod's flailing around again. Ok, this just gets better and better. He whacked Carson's nose again, causing him to drop the ancient device that he'd been holding all this time. It seems that the only reason that Dr. B was invisible is because he was in contact with the device. When he dropped it, he reappeared.

DEW just walked in, searching for Beckett because only Rod knew he was invisible. She's a little surprised. In front of her is the CMO, with a possible broken bloody nose, standing stark naked in the infirmary with Rodney yelling at him for dropping the device. Both of the guys freeze looking at the stunned DEW. She looks at the scene displayed for her, muttered something about coffee withdrawals, turned on a dime and walks straight back out. She's going to have that imagestuck in her head for a while.

Well that crisis has been averted. I miss the PSG's. I think I'll go visit them and see what kind of mayhem I can help with. You can come along if you bring the snacks...anything that tastes like soap, cardboard, or sawdust does not count. I want beer and potato chips. Got that? Good. Meet me here same time tomorrow. Don't think I won't leave your ass behind if you're late. Because I will. Oh and bring the badminton set. I have big plans for that.


End file.
